a satire
(The Beacon)
By Braden Behan, Guest Commentary -- The Beacon
My fellow Americans, recently our great nation has been faced with a new and emerging threat. This threat has been silently looming over the United States like a giant hat. What do hats have lurking underneath them? You might be tempted to answer hair, but when one thinks carefully one realizes the obvious answer is rabbits.
Now what do rabbits do, aside from multiply very quickly (which is another facet of their plan)? They eat carrots! And where do carrots come from? ‘Merica. Thus, the hat metaphor fits.
For a substantial period of time our northern neighbors have plotted and schemed. Since our failed attempts to liberate them from the Crown, they have bided their time, waiting for a moment of weakness. We must strike before that time comes.
The reasons for war are multifarious.
1. To keep the rabbit from eating the carrot.
2. To control the rampant beaver and moose infestation.
3. They are just too polite. (Does this not seem suspicious? What are they hiding from us?)
4. Under the Bird Law principle of jus ad aves, their birds continue to fly into our air space on a seasonal basis. What is it for? Reconnaissance, possibly? To find our weaknesses? We simply do not know, but be wary, for our top scientists and military analysts have concluded this is highly probable.
We must engage our neighbor to the north, not only to stop its egregious trampling upon our nationhood and liberty. We must also do this for national glory. We must avenge their dastardly refusal to join the United States during the Revolutionary War and beyond. Imagine our brave boys over the border, marching across the frozen tundra, routing the cowardly foe and liberating the people from the yoke of their foolish insistence upon the Parliamentary system.
Join us now! Rise up and defeat the Northern Menace! As comrades in arms we will triumph over the tyrannical, maple-leafed aggressors!
Braden Behan is a senior mechanical engineering major. He can be contacted at behan11@up.edu.
