Adulting with Erin: It's time to break up with your toaster

By Erin Bothwell | February 6, 2018 9:26am
by Brennan Robinson / The Beacon

Toast, not to be confused with the verb “toast,” involving the raising of glasses as one person gives a speech, is an easy, affordable, edible luxury, which makes it perfect for college students. But as a society, we have a problem. 

Many of us own a device known as a toaster to create our toast. The toaster, like gender, is an unnecessary construct. It is a nonessential kitchen appliance, unlike the refrigerator or the citrus juicer. 

As consumers, we’ve bought into the idea that appliances make our lives easier. And they do. But do they make our lives better? Not always. Especially when it comes to toast. The best toast does not pop out of the toaster. It takes time, bread, fat and a little care to create a superior piece of toast. 

The loveliest, toastiest toast is made on the stove or in the oven with a fresh slice of bread and a healthy slathering of fat. (I use the term fat because butter or oil work, depending on your preferences). Toast made this way has a golden sheen, a distinct crunch and a soft inner layer. It is bread heaven. 

I’ve included a how-to toast if you have relied on a toaster all your life. You will never want to use a toaster again. 

Stove-top method: First, put a pan on the stove. Turn the stove on to about medium heat. Then, take a slice of bread and spread your favorite fat on it (I prefer coconut oil), listen for the crackle of fat touching the hot pan and monitor the bread for doneness. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR TOAST UNATTENDED for more than 15 seconds at a time. Hovering will pay off. The trick is to flip the bread so both sides are toasted. Once one side is toasted to your satisfaction, add a wee bit more fat to the other side and let it toast. 

Oven method: Preheat your oven to 415℉ (GUYS. I just figured out how to insert the fahrenheit thingy all on my own without Google!) Then… wait for your oven to heat. While you wait, pull out a baking sheet or the thing my mother calls a jelly roll pan and lay a piece of parchment paper on it. Place your greased-up bread on the pan and pop it in the oven. On the bake setting, your bread will probably take five to ten minutes or so to toast depending on your oven. On the broil setting, it will take less time. 

For either method, use a spatula or tongs to touch your toast. It will be hot. 

You can smear mashed avocado, a cheese spread, a favorite nut butter or jam on your toast. You can make a sandwich with all the fixings. Whatever you end up creating with your toast, I recommend sipping coffee, hot chocolate, milk or tea with it for maximum pleasure. 

No food really compares to a nice slice of toast. It’s cozy and can be eaten at all hours — for breakfast, lunch, dinner or a midnight snack. But toast might have escaped your notice if you’re still eating toaster toast. It’s time to break up with your toaster. Actually it’s been time for you to break up with your toaster for a while, you just didn’t know it until now. You’re welcome.