Until our government passes a bill for universal beauty care (it could happen!), we must groom our beards as best we can with our own two hands, like a bunch of commoners.
But commoner or not, beards are priceless. You cannot commodify them. You cannot buy one. You cannot take your beard (or the beards in your life) for granted because not everyone can grow a beauteous beard.
Beard growth is a special ability — an ability shared by , and (if the images out there are accurate) . A beard is a sacred thing — a place to store pens and hide whatever the heck is going on underneath it (Pimples? Scars? It doesn’t matter. It is hidden).
But if you are gifted with facial hair growing abilities and look great with it — whether you’re a mustachioed man, a bearded non-binary person or a whiskered woman — you need to care for your facial hair!
Wash your beard. Condition your beard. Comb your beard. Trim it. Balm it. Love it. Or else…
A beard care breakdown:
Condition your beard to soften it. Facial hair is bristly. Conditioner makes it less so. You don’t want to be a porcupine-person. I don’t want you to be a porcupine-person. Think of conditioner as your porcupine-prevention potion.Try saying that three times fast.
Comb your beard, because you won’t have a beard for long if you don’t. You’ll have to cut out the knots eventually if you don’t comb it while you can.
Trim your beard. Let me repeat that: Trim your beard. Use scarily sharp scissors. Since your beard is your special face mane, you can’t use mundane tools to groom it. You can’t expect greatness from mediocre scissors. You can quote me on that.
Bearded babes, I leave you with this ancient blessing: May your beard never look as hopeless as Tom Hanks’ beard — or Chris Pratt’s beard. May you always have sharp scissors and a mild shampoo at your command. May you never lose your trusty comb. And please, may your beard always be beautiful, all the time, forever. Amen.