Adulting with Erin: Please beard responsibly

By Erin Bothwell | September 13, 2017 5:27pm
by Brennan Robinson / The Beacon

Beards are back. I’m not entirely sure where they went in the first place… Maybe they traveled and did an Eat, Pray, Love thing? But regardless —  they’re BACK. 

Until our government passes a bill for universal beauty care (it could happen!), we must groom our beards as best we can with our own two hands, like a bunch of commoners. 

But commoner or not, beards are priceless. You cannot commodify them. You cannot buy one. You cannot take your beard (or the beards in your life) for granted because not everyone can grow a beauteous beard. 

Beard growth is a special ability — an ability shared by Dumbledore, King Triton, and (if the images out there are accurate) Jesus. A beard is a sacred thing — a place to store pens and hide whatever the heck is going on underneath it (Pimples? Scars? It doesn’t matter. It is hidden). 

Also, recognize not everyone is meant to bear a beard. For example, talk show hosts Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon. They are funny people, but with beards they look funny. 

But if you are gifted with facial hair growing abilities and look great with it — whether you’re a mustachioed man, a bearded non-binary person or a whiskered woman — you need to care for your facial hair! 

Wash your beard. Condition your beard. Comb your beard. Trim it. Balm it. Love it. Or else… 

Or else one day you may wake up expecting to look like soulful Jon Snow and instead glance in the mirror to see RASPUTIN staring back at you. A beard does not care for itself, folks. It needs you. 

A beard care breakdown:

Clean your beard so little woodland creatures don’t start living it. You can use a mild regular shampoo, or go all out with a beard shampoo. 

Condition your beard to soften it. Facial hair is bristly. Conditioner makes it less so. You don’t want to be a porcupine-person. I don’t want you to be a porcupine-person. Think of conditioner as your porcupine-prevention potion.Try saying that three times fast. 

Comb your beard, because you won’t have a beard for long if you don’t. You’ll have to cut out the knots eventually if you don’t comb it while you can. 

Trim your beard. Let me repeat that: Trim your beard. Use scarily sharp scissors. Since your beard is your special face mane, you can’t use mundane tools to groom it. You can’t expect greatness from mediocre scissors. You can quote me on that. 

Once you get the basics down, you can really go to town. Sprinkle in the glitter, add some wax to the ends of your mustache, or dye it a fun color. 

Bearded babes, I leave you with this ancient blessing: May your beard never look as hopeless as Tom Hanks’ Castaway beard — or Chris Pratt’s Passengers beard. May you always have sharp scissors and a mild shampoo at your command. May you never lose your trusty comb. And please, may your beard always be beautiful, all the time, forever. Amen.