Surviving the Super Bowl: A non-football fan's guide to Super Bowl Sunday
So, apparently this Sunday is the Super Bowl, which means millions of football fans will gather in their living rooms to scream expletives at the TV, stuff their faces with wings and pound some beers. If you’re like me, you fall into the category of people who stand in the kitchen during the entire game, snacking on chips and guac and chiming in with a few “awwwws” when the Budweiser puppy commercials come on.
But if you’re trying to fit in with the football stans on this sacred American holiday, there are a few things you can do to make it seem like you know what you’re talking about. Here’s the game plan:
Choose your seating wisely
You don’t want to sit on the couch that’s directly in front of the TV, unless you want to go deaf in one ear or get a face full of Dorito breath. Instead, sit in one of the chairs next to the couch, keeping a direct line of access to the kitchen. That way, you’ll still be part of the action, and you can grab snacks when you need a timeout.
Add vague commentary on the game
Every 15 minutes or so, throw in a few generic comments about the game, such as “Wow, that was a great play” or “(insert most famous player’s name) is a beast.” You could also pull one of the classics: a loud clap paired with a “Let’s go, boys!” But make sure you don’t go overboard with the sports lingo. Remember, you’re not going for a touchdown, just a solid field goal. (See how I used football terms? I know stuff.)
Feed off everyone’s reactions
This one will be pretty easy to do. If everyone cheers, cheer with them. If they yell at the TV, yell with them. But don’t be the loudest fan there. If you draw too much attention to yourself, they might get suspicious.
Keep your eyes on the remote at all times
You might have to play a little zone defense on this one. As the second quarter wraps up, slowly inch closer to the remote so that you can make a quick interception. Otherwise, someone might change the channel to another game and skip over the one thing you came to this party for in the first place — the halftime show.
Don’t worry, my clueless football-observing friends, you can get through this. Just take it one quarter at a time, and it’ll be over before you know it. To motivate yourself, remember these two very important words: Free food.
Brigid Lowney is the living editor for The Beacon. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.