Starbucks' new Witch's Brew Frappuccino is frightening

This drink gets zero out of ten broomsticks

By Brigid Lowney | October 31, 2018 1:23pm

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Living Editor Brigid Lowney is not pleased with Starbucks' new witchy drink. 

by Annika Gordon / The Beacon

I’m a fan of Halloween. I like dressing up, eating candy corn and watching scary movies with my friends. So, when Starbucks announced their latest specialty Halloween-themed frappuccino, I was intrigued. 

When I rolled up to Starbucks this morning, the sky was a menacing dark gray color, and wet leaves blew onto the sidewalk as the door creaked open and I walked into the store. The barista, wearing cat ears, greeted me with smiles as she took my order. I patiently waited as they prepared my frap and finally heard my name called across the store. 

I slowly walked over to the green and purple colored drink that looked like a mix between Barney and Frankenstein. Looking down at this colorful beverage, I took my first sip and what I discovered was truly terrifying. Starbucks’ Witch’s Brew Frappuccino gets zero out of ten broomsticks from me, and here’s why.

Here is Lowney trying not to choke. 

by Annika Gordon / The Beacon

On instagram, Starbucks laid out the formula for this purple nightmare of a beverage, listing orange crème flavored frappuccino, a splash of purple, a dash of green chia seeds and a pinch of tart green “lizard scale” powder as the ingredients.

First, I’d like to point out that “purple” is a color and by no means an ingredient. Sounds pretty sketchy if you ask me. Also, what in the name of Jack Skellington is green “lizard scale” powder? No thanks. 

Based on its purple exterior, I expected a sweet bubblegum-like flavor, but no. That so-called “splash of purple” strategically disguises the bone-chilling orange créme flavor that left me with the aftertaste of Pepto-Bismol. 

Yup. This drink is cancelled. 

by Annika Gordon / The Beacon

This frappuccino has the ultimate creep-factor. The worst thing you can do when tasting this nasty brew is suck up the slimy green chia seeds through your straw. Their snake-like texture will pop up out of nowhere like Jason from “Friday the 13th.”

If Starbucks is trying to scare us, they succeeded. While aesthetically pleasing and no doubt Instagram-worthy, this beverage is undrinkable. I came across a comment on Starbucks' Instagram post that perfectly sums up this liquid disaster: “That nasty.” 

So save yourself the time and money this Halloween and stick to the candy corn. 

Brigid Lowney is the Living Editor for The Beacon. She can be reached at lowney19@up.edu.

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