By Justin Baumann
With all this talk about censorship I think it is time to reflect on what censorship really means.
Censorship, in its natural state, is a bad thing. Good things like freedom, naked women and colorful language are removed from our viewing pleasure.
Unacceptable.
Censorship is like gerrymandering of the subconscious because it polarizes the people involved. We're not able to have access to certain information. But in some cases censorship could actually be very healthy, and beneficial for our country.
Let me provide you with uncensored and unfiltered examples of things that should be censored.
First off, we need to censor those drinkability commercials from Budweiser. What does drinkability even mean? It means you make a crappy product that can be consumed very quickly without much taste.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for consuming beer in large quantities, but I would like a little taste and quality in my cerveza. The real problem with the commercials is their attempt at deception. Why don't you just be honest with the American people and tell it like it is. Drinkability commercials should be changed to: Get-wasted-fast-kind-of-beerability.
And let's censor those Geico caveman commercials. I get it, Geico is so easy to use, even a caveman can do it. They've been milking that line like the University of Portland milks their students for tuition money, or the way Bon Appétit milks their sustainability campaign.
But seriously, cavemen aren't even that funny.
At least the Geico gecko is funny and has a sweet Australian accent. Geico commercials should instead be replaced with powerthirst videos. If you don't know what I'm talking about, YouTube "powerthirst," and watch the two videos they did, not the terrible knock-offs; those should be censored as well.
Another important thing to censor would be baseball on TV. Sure everyone can play baseball if they want, but it should be censored on ESPN. Or at least they could create Baseball-free-ESPN. BFESPN would be a nice addition to my channel list.
I wouldn't have to endlessly flip through the ESPN channels wondering why anyone would want to watch the Kansas City Royals play the Pittsburgh Pirates. And let's censor the pre-season. How many games do you need to play before the season to check your pitchers out?
Two months is way too long to watch professional athletes kind-of pretend to stand around for three hours. Censored.
Another thing that should be censored are those absolutely obtuse and ridiculous survey things that people fill out that pop up in your Facebook home screen telling you their top five favorite things of a certain category. Yeah, that's what I want to read about: Your top five favorite juices.
That really gets me going when I sign on to Facebook. "Oh look! Joe Snuffy's top five favorite South American countries are: 1. Uruguay 2. Colombia 3. Chile 4. Peru and 5. Argentina!" Or "John Doe's top five favorite condiments are: 1. Fry Sauce (ketchup and mayo mixed) 2. Barbeque Sauce 3. Spicy Mustard 4. Hummus and 5. Tuong Ot Sriracha Sauce."
Excellent. ?Also, those quizzes of the "What type of super hero are you" or "What kind of mixed drink are you?" should be censored.
The "Are you Jacksonville" quiz should be renamed, "Are you stupid enough to waste your time and fill this crap out?" quiz. Brilliant Facebook; you have allowed the communists to win. Bring out the censor.
In finishing, I think a few things should be censored. The only problem is, once we start censoring one thing, the line seems to blur a lot.
So instead of watching endless Geico commercials or filling out Facebook quizzes this spring break, just watch a powerthirst video on YouTube, or the music video "I'm on a boat" by The Lonely Island. Or just let the whole world know what your top five favorite birds are, because everyone would love to know that.
