By Justin Baumann
Now that spring training has arrived, America has been caught in the crossfire of being forced to watch a boring, juice-induced "sport."
However, there are infinitely more exciting hobbies out there, two of which I am about to educate you on. What are these two exciting forms of baseball replacement therapy?
Freestyle rapping and Magic: The Gathering.
That's right. Freestyle rapping and Magic: The Gathering. Two of America's favorite pastimes from the early 90s.
What makes these two activities so exciting? Let us first begin with freestyle rapping.
Wikipedia says freestyle rapping originated from the East Coast rap scene in the late 1970s, truly America's pastime. But what makes it so great is its quick thinking, smart flows and snazzy hooks. I'd like to see Barry Bonds think that fast. Not content to use paper and pencil, freestyle rappers make music wherever and whenever they want. These lyrical struggles invoke the epic images of battles past.
"The advantage of time and place in all practical actions is half a victory; which being lost is irrecoverable."
Sir Francis Drake said this about freestyle rapping while preparing to engage in his own rap battle on his ship, The Gold Hind, hours before the Spanish Armada arrived.
This highlights an important part about freestyle rapping: time and place. It is important to not just bring in some slick rhymes, but to also win over the hearts and minds of the audience.
This is known as a cypher.
That's pretty sweet.
Baseball doesn't have cyphers.
But what about Magic: The Gathering? You may be thinking that this game is boring, nerdy and not worth your time. But alas, lend me your eyes. Magic: The Gathering is an intermediate game of cards that involves a little luck and a little skill, but contains a ton of fun. Known as a planeswalker, you summon through your mana, intricate spells and creatures to do battle for the universe.
All you play for in baseball is the commissioner's trophy.
Yeah, that's exactly what I want: a trophy awarded by Bud Selig. Jerome Holtzman said he was the best baseball commissioner of all time. That's like being the best at declaring Chapter 11 bankruptcy. But Magic: The Gathering has something that America is in desperate need of: Imagination. And why do we need imagination? Distraction. Distraction from spring training. So if you're feeling bored this spring, turn off the TV (unless it's House, that's a great show. There's like six episodes on every Sunday night) and pick up some magic cards while thinking of fly raps to battle your friends with. Who knows, maybe you'll think of a sweet rap about Magic: The Gathering.
In fact, that'd be a good contest. Whoever writes the best rap about Magic: The Gathering gets $5. Send them to LaPonte09@up.edu.
We'll publish the winner at a later date.
