By Justin Baumann
I don't know how many of you heard, but there was a national election on Tuesday. I hope you didn't vote, because voting is a pretty un-American thing to do.
Think about it. Yes we, as Americans, love the freedoms that come with democracy. We can own guns, shoot guns, say what we want about those we don't like, protest those we don't like, face our accuser, and be allowed the privilege to pay federal income tax (that's Amendment 16, my favorite).
But voting is not an American ideal. You may think it is, but you're wrong. We go to a voting booth (not you, Oregon, you just have to be different) and select someone who we don't even like to tell us what to do. That makes less sense than the BCS, and the BCS is like trying to do Quantum Mechanics with an abacus.
And most presidential candidates are, frankly, worthless.
Their whole campaigns are about sucking up and telling everyone they'll do whatever they want just as long as they vote for them. Think of votes as crack. The candidates spend all their time (and if they're senators and running for office, not doing their job) doing whatever they can to get that crack, if you know what I mean. (think Tyrone Biggums). Politicians will do nothing short of selling their mom's lungs for votes, and if there's one thing I know, its that mom's are very American.
But let's say you've gotten over the whole "I'll just choose him because he's not as bad as that guy" attitude. Now its time to watch the nation's 24-hour news channels become the world's largest source of idiots. They actually ran a story on how Obama wasn't wearing an American flag pin. I can't even believe I had to write that about adults on TV who tell us the news. That's almost as bad as watching baseball.
What's even better about voting is that your vote doesn't matter. That's right, it's worthless. And do Americans do worthless things? Only if you're Barry Bonds or Lee Harvey Oswald. But because of the Electoral College your vote can have almost no bearing on the national election.
The Electoral College, if it wishes, can even cast its vote for someone other than who the majority of the people of the state voted for. That means that even if you vote for candidate A, the Electoral College, believing that you're crazy, can cast its votes for candidate B.
That's not democracy. That means the election you all just participated in was undemocratic. What's even better, even if a candidate wins the popular vote, he can lose the election. Don't believe me? You're wrong! It happened in 1876, 1888, and 2000. I really wish Samuel J. Tilden had won in 1876 instead of Rutherford B. Hayes (I still blame him for the yellow fever outbreak of 1878).
So what should we do? Not vote. America is not strong because of our incompetent leaders. America is strong because of hard working Americans like Coal miners, plumbers named Joe, Steve Largent and Captain America. Besides, voter turnout is relatively low anyway. In 1988 the voter turnout rate was 36.4 percent of the registered population. That means only about 20 - 25 percent of Americans are actually choosing who's in office. That makes sense. And did I vote? Yes, but I wrote in George W. Bush. And since he's president, I couldn't lose.
So the next time you're on your way to vote, don't. Save some time. Your candidate isn't going to win and the one that does will be so blocked by congress nothing will get done anyway, and if it does, it probably means the government is screwing you.
