By Sam Nelson
In last week's issue of The Beacon, the Editorial Board published the column "It's time to break out of the UP Bubble" (Page 9, Sept. 27). The piece encouraged UP students to venture outside the "bubble" formed by UP and the semi-desolate cultural scene surrounding it.
Well I have news! The members of the Editorial Board are nothing but a bunch of liberal, tree-hugging hipsters, and they're just trying to get you to conform to their style and ideas.
They think they're so cool for riding those trendy fixed gear bikes, knowing about bands before they sell out, recycling, reducing, reusing, owning records, buying used clothing and exploring "cool" places in Portland.
They think there is something wrong with you and me for eating fast food, driving the quarter mile to school and wearing clothes that double as advertisements. They probably also think it's funny that UP kids' favorite special occasion restaurants are the tourist spots that native Portlanders avoid.
The editors of The Beacon encouraged UP students to eat somewhere dive-looking or shop someplace without eight locations in every major city. Don't be fooled! Our parents' and grandparents' wealth is dependant on you shopping and eating at the same big box stores and restaurant chains to keep their stock in these monstrous corporations on the rise.
Queer Portland-folk will try to convince you to shop "local" and "organic" - to stop buying cheap plastic crap, supporting the exploitation of employees and throwing money at CEOs and upper management. Don't forget, those CEOs and management types are our mothers, fathers, grandfathers and other benefactors. Our college tuitions, superfluous alcohol budgets and SUVs were paid for directly through our parents' ingenious cost-cutting, globalization and layoff proposals.
To shop locally in some ridiculous attempt to evenly distribute wealth would topple the delicate system that allows only a fraction of this country to pay for a college education. Who do you think is going to pay your DUI fine when you crash your Hummer driving the three blocks between the T-Room and Taco Bell?
Which brings us to the most important temptation to resist during your years in Portland: being disloyal to the T-Room! If you decide to explore the extensive bar scene in Portland (which, believe it or not, extends onto the lower eastside), you won't be able to see every single one of your classmates (like them or not) at the T-Room! You would risk not being witness to another night of super-inebriated drama and embarrassing "hook-ups."
The only sensible alternatives to the T-Room are McFadden's and the other meat pits located within a block radius. Exploring any of those "hip" or "alternative" spots (such as the Tube, Fez, Holocene, Rotture or Ground Kontrol) will probably result in a paralyzing culture shock from which you may never recover.
Branching out to alternative night-time hangouts also puts you at risk of meeting new and interesting non-UP students, and this is simply not permissible. Each friend or experience outside the confines of campus and the T-Room is a tiny hole in the UP bubble. If too many of these holes are created, our beloved bubble could pop for good!
In conclusion, it might seem like a good idea to go downtown Saturday, shop at Red Light, buy a book at Powell's, drop some windowpane, party all night and crash at some PSU kid's house, but what if you miss Mass Sunday morning?
Take my advice: Stay at UP Saturday, watch whatever ultra-mainstream movie is playing in BC Auditorium, and get to bed early. This way you can fulfill your dogmatic requirements for Sunday and still have time for that trip to Target with your RA to buy those plastic things you desperately need for your room.
Have a safe and sterile college experience!
Sam Nelson is a senior electrical engineering major.
