Students hold school, work and relationships in a delicate balance
By Maureen Inouye
I claim to be too busy for a relationship. But the truth is, like most people, I find the idea of a steady romantic relationship appealing.
Sometimes, though, it seems like traditional dating is a thing of the past at college. UP is a small community with intervisitation policies and roommates to overcome. Added to that, dating and balancing schoolwork, jobs, clubs and sports can seem overwhelming. The question remains, then, is it possible to date seriously at UP?
Kristin Zerkel, a 2007 graduate, coined the term "Black Hole of Dating" for UP. Now in a happy relationship, she looks back at her time at UP and says, "There's no gray area of dating at UP."
To explain her theory, she divides UP students into three groups: people without romantic relationships at all ("the studiers"), people who occasionally hook-up with other students on weekends, and students in serious relationships with other people who don't attend UP.
"The number of people in serious relationships with other UP students is slim," Zerkel said.
So I began an informal investigation of UP dating trends. And Zerkel seemed to be correct - people find it very difficult to maintain relationships with fellow UP students.
Meeting People
The methods of meeting people at UP are pretty standard. People meet in class, in the dorms, at parties. The problem seems to be connecting on a deeper level.
"You meet people at parties or whatever, and it never seems to go anywhere," senior Joseph Ritter said. He attributes the lack of viable dating candidates to UP's small size.
"You look around and you know the dirt on everyone - their friends, their exes, their problems - and dating seems less appealing," Ritter said.
The small school atmosphere does seem to be a dating deterrent. Moreover, UP is approximately 60 percent female.
"It's easy to meet people freshman year," junior Meghan O'Loughlin said, "but then the campus shrinks as you get older, and all the boys are younger than you." She thinks being a nursing major also shrinks her dating pool, as she has so few males in her classes.
Junior Allison Frazeur has her own theory as to why meeting guys can be difficult: "Once you've dated a guy, and met his circle of friends, you can't really go out with any of them, which eliminates an entire group rather than just the one person you actually dated."
O'Loughlin refers to this phenomenon as "break-up aftermath."
Balancing Priorities
Besides the apparently small pool of dating applicants, UP students find it difficult to balance schoolwork, friendships and romantic relationships. This may seem obvious, but UP's difficult curriculum and high student involvement in extra-curricular activities compound the problem.
"People in relationships are selfish, possessive - they forget their partner has other things to do besides hang out," Ritter said. His girlfriend does not attend UP, which he says is beneficial.
"Being on campus, there's no good reason not to see (the other person). There's no escape, you're always around each other," O'Loughlin said. Living in nearby dorms and having the same friends, she says, complicates the time-management process.
Senior Kristie Young married Kevin Young, another UP student, this summer.
"Balancing a relationship isn't that hard. The problem is my own procrastination," she said. She said difficulties arose when dealing with roommates, not schoolwork.
Living With Roommates
Maintaining a friendship with a roommate, while still spending time with a boyfriend or girlfriend, is a classic dilemma. According to Michael Walsh, the director of Residence Life, the biggest problem between roommates is not a significant other, but rather a lack of communication.
"A student might not be aware that her boyfriend's presence is a problem for her roommate," Walsh said.
"My boyfriend and I both had roommates, so we were not alone very often. That makes it hard to have a good, private conversation with someone," Frazeur said.
"My sophomore year, one of my roommates was like, 'We never see you anymore' and I realized I needed to start making time for my girlfriends," Young said. Now that she is living with her husband, Young makes sure to have a girls' night once a week.
Ritter said that living in a single in the Village has helped. He and his girlfriend can have alone time without worrying about disturbing any roommates.
"It was harder in the dorms. You don't want to make the other person leave, but there's nowhere else to go," he said.
Intervisitation and No Sex Policies
I asked students if intervisitation and policies against sex affected dating relationships negatively, and the overwhelming response was: "no." But that's because the rules are apparently easily broken.
"My roommate's boyfriend always slept over, because he didn't live on campus, and she wasn't even afraid of getting caught," Zerkel said.
Many students seem to think the policies are ineffective.
"Intervis is really easy to break, and doesn't solve the sleeping over issue either," Frazeur said.
According to Walsh, however, the policies achieve their goals: safety for the students and helping solve roommate issues.
"Intervisitation protects roommates from looking like the bad guy," Walsh said. "It provides a legitimate reason to ask a guest to leave."
O'Loughlin agreed with Walsh.
"Intervis also makes it easier to separate, provides a good excuse to not spend the night," she said.
Although Walsh said breaking intervisitation rules makes up a majority of policy violations in the dorms, intervisitation and other campus policies don't seem to affect the dating situation.
Dating on Campus
Dating is difficult, with a small school, busy schedules and roommates, but some people on campus do find it possible to date fellow students.
"You just have to learn how to lead separate lives together. That's my best piece of advice," O'Loughlin said.
For many students, it takes time to adjust to having a boyfriend or girlfriend while still keeping their grades up and their friendships strong.
"Especially when you've just started dating, it's important to spend time with friends. That will improve all your relationships," Young said. She said spending time away from her boyfriend (now, husband) allowed her to appreciate time with him all the more.
Ritter recommends just putting yourself out there.
"A lot of people our age aren't looking for serious relationships. That's OK. If you see someone you like, just ask them out - go socialize!" he said.
So, in my quest for an answer, I've come to several conclusions. One: dating is hard anywhere, and this fact has a lot more to do with being in college than being at UP.
And two: UP is not a "Black Hole of Dating" - it's just not a supernova either.
