By Brett Turner
As winter turns to spring and spring to summer, trees begin to blossom and spring new leaves. The smell of freshly-cut grass fills the air while people break out the shorts and skirts that have been in hiding since October. It truly is an amazing time of year.
And then it happens. As I walk from class in the afternoon, I am confronted with a sight which, more often than not, ruins my enjoyment of the perfection of a spring afternoon. What I find are half-clothed men and bikini-clad women flaunting a winter's worth of pale, unattractive skin, courtesy of Portland's rainy, overcast and generally depressing weather.
This is my third spring on the campus of UP, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with another spring and the unsightliness that looms in my future.
I can never understand why these scantily-clad males and females think it might be in some way attractive to flaunt their vitamin D deficient complexions for all to see. Girding themselves in little more than a pair of athletic shorts or what would usually pass for female undergarments, they display and parade themselves around the various quads, proudly showing off their hard-earned winter's worth of pale and near transparent skin.
I'm sure it's no surprise to many of the female students on this campus that they present quite an eyeful to the virile, testosterone-laden men walking around.
Too many times have I returned to the dorm and heard male students ogling the various women displaying their bodies around the quad. And I'm sure that there's a few women out there too, admiring the physiques of a few males running shirtless about the campus.
Now, I've always learned that it's not wise to point out a problem unless you can also give some type of solution. So here's my proposal of how we can fix this unsightliness which invades our campus every spring.
It's time for Public Safety to start opening up the roofs of each dorm to students interested in basking in the sun's rays so that we don't have to be subjected to the same predicament every year.
I know that having students on the roofs of dorms would present some sort of safety hazard, but maybe with a little ASUP funding some safety rails could be installed to avoid any accidents. I believe that a solution like this solves many problems. Those wishing to tan have a place specially designated for them, while those of us not wanting to have to avert our eyes any longer can walk around campus, comfortably looking at that which pleases us.
Furthermore, I am in no way encouraging the use of tanning beds at any point either. If you want to earn that perfect, golden, summer look, there's no less legitimate way to go about achieving that summertime necessity.
First of all, it looks fake, and that's evident to everyone else also. Secondly, it's like acing a test by cheating on it. Everyone knows you're not smart enough to do that well on your own, so why should they believe you achieved that bronzed look when it was just 40 degrees and cloudy all winter.
I realize that my opinion may come across as arrogant or rude to some, but I just couldn't make it through another spring without my voice being heard. As for me, I'm going to be keeping my shirt on this spring, waiting to return to my little sanctuary of sun in California, achieving my tan through long hours and hot days of lifeguarding and coaching swimming and water polo among people who know how to earn it.
Am I a better person than anyone else because of it? No. But maybe it'll mean that they will be one less person to have to avoid looking at this spring.
