By Lydia Laythe |
Being a small, sassy blonde girl has its advantages and disadvantages. Advantage: the food servers at the Commons let me cut in line and get my food first sometimes. Disadvantage: People expect me to be confident , self-assured and resilient to critique. But I have a confession to make: I’m insecure. Nobody ever wants to admit when they’re insecure, but I think it’s time somebody just told it like it is.
I worry about my appearance. I worry about my stomach being too pudgy, so I hide it under layers of sweaters and jackets. I worry about my hair looking flat or straggly or frizzy, so I play with it constantly. I worry about people seeing my fingertips because I bite my cuticles when I’m nervous, and I don’t want people to know that I’m nervous. I worry about having food in my teeth or on my face so I always use a knife and fork when I eat and I don’t smile with my teeth right after eating.
I worry about what people think of me so I change my personality to fit a given crowd or situation. I worry about people talking about me behind my back, so I avoid confrontation. I worry about looking stupid … but I always inevitably embarrass myself somehow – it usually involves tripping over something, my stomach making weird noises or snorting when I laugh.
I worry about making nerdy “Harry Potter” references, or admitting to my many quirks. I worry that people will judge me for watching “Downton Abbey” with my parents all summer and speaking in British accents when we do. I worry that people will think it’s weird that I actually enjoy talking to my parents.
I worry that people misunderstand my sense of humor, and think I’m being serious. I use humor as a way to deflect attention away from myself or the real issue. And I worry that if I tried to be serious, people wouldn’t take me seriously.
I worry about finding the “right guy,” because all my friends are either confidently single or in long-term relationships and I feel like I’m the only person who’s stuffing her face with chocolate and scrolling through Pinterest and Facebook all day.
I get extremely uncomfortable with my body heat when a cute guy says he likes me or wants to hang out with me. I never know what to say to a guy I like, and I never say the right thing. I always sit there thinking, “Oh my god, there’s no way he’s being serious right now … and why are my hands so sweaty?”
I may be small, blonde and bubbly, but that doesn’t mean that I’m impervious to harsh words or fearless in the face of a challenge. Sometimes I feel like I’m my harshest judge, my toughest critic and my own worst enemy. I worry about a lot of things. But in the end, I know that I’ll be okay. Everyone worries. Whether you’ve embarrassed yourself in front of someone you like or you’ve worried about what people think, we all worry about something. It’s okay to worry. It’s okay to be a little insecure.