By Justin Baumann
Believe in Evolution? Good for you.
Today is the 200th anniversary of Charles Darwin's birthday. If you don't know who Charles Darwin is, stop reading right now.
Excellent. Because Charles Darwin's theory has been one of the most controversial ever, it is important to look at the facts of makes it so controversial.
Actually, it's not.
Do I really care whether you believe in Darwin's theory or not? Nope. Do I care whether you think the chicken or the egg came first? Absolutely not. The problem with the theory of evolution is not the theory itself, but those people who take it to the extreme and argue and bicker and try and force others to believe what they believe. On this 200th birthday of Darwin, I want you to help me, help you, fight radicals and ignorance.
Examples of radicals are hippies, hardcore Christian evangelicals, baseball players, and communists. John F. Kennedy once said:
"What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents."
The reason these extremists are so dangerous is that they use fear, absolute obedience and obfuscation in order to force people to believe what they want. In this month of Black history, it is important to understand that evolution helps shed light on the issue of those who resist change, the pursuit of knowledge, and the betterment of man. So how do these groups do such things? Gather round.
Hippies are a danger to humanity because their way of life is in its essence devolution of the human race. Sitting around a smoking bowl (pun intended) all day is what our ancestors did because they were cold and needed to huddle around the fire in order not to die. Please, if you're a hippie, shave. Second, apply deodorant, you really smell bad. Last, but most importantly, don't do LSD. The flashbacks, hallucinations, and panic reactions don't help anyone, and nobody likes people who don't help others.
If you're a hardcore evangelical Christian, congratulations, at least you're not a Scientologist. Also, if you're not forcing people to join your religion, using fear as retention, and don't fill your house with guns, then I'm all for it. However, let me take this moment to solicit a piece of advice: Don't drink the punch.
If you're Alex Rodriguez, clearly you've taken the evolutionary path the other way towards supporting dysgenics. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are ya? Good job cheater. You cheated at a sport that, just like dodo birds, will eventually be naturally selected not to exist. As America evolves and realizes that the stronger sports (and more exciting ones) should continue, baseball will eventually be banned. When this day comes, America will, as when Darwin published his theory, not blindly believe in something just because it's been around for a while. And will throw wild, all night parties.
Communists, however, are great. They like the color red, are corrupt, and believe we should all be told what to do. There is a reason Lech Walesa, George Orwell, and Milton Friedman all criticized communism. Communism is like playing baseball without runs, balls, or bats. No one wins and most people are just confused as to how they got there.
But because some of you may be saying, "hey, he's just being ignorant of my belief in something I think I understand." You're right; it is being a little hypocritical. So please, do whatever you think is best. Just don't try to force others to believe in what you do, and be respectful of those who may believe in a different idea of how the universe was created.
So for Darwin's birthday, let's give him, and all of us, a nice birthday present of tolerance.
And hey, if baseball involved communists doing LSD while trying to shave hippies with steak knives, I just might watch.
